For the longest time I didn’t know what a hangover was. I could drink my way to a blackout and be ready to go for round two the next day. Then, junior year of college came and brought with it all the feels of a hangover. Misery at its finest. However, I turned 23 and shit really hit the fan. The sad reality of life- I can’t hang like I used to.
1 – The Party Agenda
THEN: I would start planning out next weekend’s shenanigans before the current weekend was even over. I was friends with all the bouncers and bartenders at my usual spots and didn't pay cover or for a drink.
NOW: Fuuuuuck I don’t want to drink this weekend or get ready. I need to go to the ATM for cash. What do people even wear to the bars anymore? Crop tops in January is probably still a thing. Right? Ugh.
2 – Fill Up My Cup… Or Don’t
THEN: I’m thinking jungle juice and tequila shots are going to be the move for tonight. Chasers? Eh, gum should work.
NOW: Killing a bottle is non-existent. My tolerance has shit the bed and now two glasses of wine gets me buzzed and sleepy. I’m good with bed. Who wants to call it a night?
3 – The Woman Carries the Clothes But The Shoes Carry the Woman
THEN: Heels that look hot but kill my feet and will leave me bare foot because I'm carrying my shoes home at the end of the night? Perfect. After all, pain is beauty!
NOW: Heels that I can’t walk in after an hour can kiss my ass. I’ll wear my boots and wear them the whole night. - **Pro Tip: When you strap into your shoes at the start of the night, you MARRY YOUR SHOES FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT LADIES.
4 – The Guys At The Bar
THEN: There’s a sweaty guy dancing on me and my girlfriends aren’t giving me any warning looks so he must be cute. Whatever. I really want pizza.
NOW: Last night I went out and had some dude grabbing my arm trying to get me to dance with him, after multiple denials he thought: “Damn girl, I would really love to tear you up” was an appropriate thing to say and concluded his statement by biting his lip seductively at me. My response? - Excuse me, sir. Please back the fuck up. Now.
5 – The Aftermath
THEN: Waking up after a night out is like any other morning, just a bit slower because I only went to bed a few hours ago so I'm more tired than usual. Who wants a bacon egg and cheese? The Deli still makes breakfast sandwiches after 2pm right?
NOW: Holy hangover. I think my brain is expanding in my skull and I need to secure both hands around my head to hold this shit together. A cold compress is 100% necessary and I’ll have to clear my schedule because I will be spending some quality face time with the toilet this morning. Another thing, for the love of God, will someone tell me NO when I say “Wanna do a shot?” THE ANSWER IS NO PEOPLE.
~LD